Stefon’s Guide to NYC

December 8, 2010 at 6:04 am (Uncategorized)

At the start of every TV season you hear the chatter…SNL is good again…SNL is funny again. It reminds me of when people say a neighborhood of DC is “up and coming.”  Just arrive already!  I’ve been faithful to SNL through the ups and downs, and with the amazing Kristen Wiig and Bill Hayder this year feels like it’s inching up.  Especially with the birth of my new favorite Weekend Update guest star: City Correspondent Stefon.

If you’ve missed Stefon’s New York City guide for tourists check it out here and here and here.

Stefon’s colorful and often 90s-referenced suggestions warrant a second take.  We need a list of things tourists can find in the Big Apple/”coked-up gay candyland.”

“lights, psychos, ferbies, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sun burned drifters with soap sud beards, answers to the question WHAA?, trance, slits, throw up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, teddy gram people, a Rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix, Goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys in Afros and graduation caps, human fire hydrants (when high-waisted midgets where red pants and have a big ass), twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a Bodega, puppets in disguise (like when Alf wore a trench coat so he could go out in public), the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashion bathing suits, ice sculptures, winos, germfs (German Smurfs), a Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with Kid ‘n Play hair, DJ Baby Butchoi (a giant 300-pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and spins records with his little ravioli hands), glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over–knock, knock–who’s there–it’s Black George Washington!… a room filled with human bath mats (when midgets have dreadlocks and lie face down on the floor), stainless steel doors, you’ll be greeted by Pierre (the Muslim Elvis impersonator), clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a pre-paid cell phone, at the door just do the Cosby face, geeks, shirpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, look in the corner is that Mic Jagger?, no it’s a fat kid on a slip and slide–his knees look like biscuits and he’s ready to party, ghosts, a banjo, Carl Paladino, a stuck up kitten who won’t sign autographs, Furkels (fat Urkels)–after you been with one of those guys you’ll be asking yourself ‘Did I Do That?'”

Over the Thanksgiving break, my mother asked for my advice on where to meet an old friend in the city.  I couldn’t help but wonder what would Stefon say?

Mom: Where can I go to catch up with an old dental school friend in the city?

Stefon: If you are looking for a good time in New York look no further.  New York’s hottest new nightclub is “STEAM ROOM ‘No Girls Allowed.'”  NY Club owner Franky F. spared no expense.  It has everything…   disco era lights, retired alcoholics, Timothy Geithner, labradoodles in J. Crew sweater sets, the fuck buddy from SATC, Zoroastrians, unemployed Boomers, Strong Islander Lindsey Lohan between arrests, derivatives, the Prime Minister from Malaysia, desi-licious cabbies from New Jersey, Mario Lopez, divas from VIDA, Guilio (the guy who worked the Bar at SAIS Bologna), under-aged armed guards from Penn Station.  Wear your Quinceañera tiara on Friday nights for a discount. Me gusto.

Mom: I think I’ll go to the Morgan Museum/cafe.

Kudos to SNL’s writers for coming up with this stuff! And what if Stefon had to review our fair capital city?  …douchebag lobbyists, generic girls in black suits, promiscuous Hill interns, Democrats who still like Obama…  We might need to work on DC’s randomness in 2011.


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